Sunday, 5 July 2015

        DON'T BLAME ME.        
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer
for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next
day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house
and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

 Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
 The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
 Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
 The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
 Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
 The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
 Donald said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
 A month Later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?
 Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece  
 and made a profit of $2495.”
 The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
 Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”

During a recent golf vacation to Mesa Arizona, I had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

I asked my Scottish buddy if he noticed any obvious reasons for my poor tee shots, to which the buddy replies: "Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver."

I picked up my driver and started to clean the club face, at which point my buddy said: "No, the other end."


A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,when he noticed a little

girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration. ''Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to
the cat's testicles . 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar,I think you could go faster.
'The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
 A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.' The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, No shit, what happened next? 


Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Hemi, the Stupid Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'.
The parrot says, 'I was born this way.  I'm a defective parrot'.
'Holy crap,' the guy replies.  'You actually understood and answered me!'.
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent and a thoroughly educated bird'.
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.  'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'.
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.  You can't see it, because of my feathers'.
'Wow,' says the guy.  'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you?'.
Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.  I'm especially good at ornithology.          
You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion'.
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.  'Sorry, but I just can't afford that'.
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.  You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'.
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational.
He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man'.
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie'.
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'.
DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'.

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
 As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. 
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman comments 
David, in obvious pain, replies
"Actually we had it Saturday night.  This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. 
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says,
"How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. 
Then the women try to guess who it is."
The postman laughs and says,
"Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."
"Probably a good thing you did," David responded.

"Your name came up 7 times."

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
  The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says,
“a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will Be $9.40 please” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
 The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
 This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
 Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
 The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, Sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?”
 "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”
 "That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for
as long as you live!”
 "That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?”
 The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

A hooded robber burst into a North Dakota bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave North Dakota customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face.
The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.  

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.  

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from North Dakota tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."  

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Don't you just love lawyers
My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure.  A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think.  Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year.  Maybe dark brown now.  I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She's in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband : A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with a 6.4 Liter Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB ports, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 35th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. 
In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.30 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and
she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill for all these years,
I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our
 bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I
gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3
beer cans in the box?" 
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to
you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to
remind myself not to do it again.

Hillary was shocked that he let it out so easy, but said, "Hmmm, 

Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I’ve been deeply disappointed 
and saddened by your past behavior. However since you are 
addicted to sex, I guess just those 3 times is not that bad 
considering your problem." 
Bill thanked her for being so understanding.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary 

asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" 
Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, 
I took them to the recycling center."

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats.
He paid $1,700 for each ticket.
He didn't realize when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can't go.
If you are interested and would like to go in his place, it's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5pm.
Her name is Nancy,  she's 5'4", about 115 lbs., good cook, makes $90,000 a year!  
She will be the one in the white dress.

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.
I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"
He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."
"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"
"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

Went out last night and got really wasted.
I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring.
So, at least I got home OK.
 Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"No, just here for a few days."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
 I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.
Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
 After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.
Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
 I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.
I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do.
Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.
 "Jesus Loves You."
Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
 Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
 I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.
Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"
I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."
Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six  extremists, and a rabbit"
The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"
"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said,
"I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again, the cashier said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."
She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier was reluctant and said, "You might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.
She said to the little old lady, "That smells like POOP."

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and
.............. But I golf on Fridays.

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.

It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.

She started slowly walking toward the pastor.

Everything quickly turned to chaos.

The bride slapped the groom.

The groom's mother fainted.

The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"

The woman replied, "We can't hear at the back."

Ireland -  the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly. She was dying.

The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her and trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They wanted to give her warm milk to drink but she declined.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips. The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and


Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got everythin' organised awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartin?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.”

 Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the
end is near.  The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a
camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
 "To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the
Mayfair houses."
 "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments
over in the east end”.
  "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the
offices over in the City Center.
 "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the
residential buildings on the east bank of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as
they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property".

To which the wife replied,…  "The ass-hole had a paper route."

One hot summer day, a Newfie came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.
 Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
 The Newfie said it was his.
 'Your dog seems  to be in heat' the officer said.
 The Newfie  replied, 'No way. She's cool  'cause she's tied up under that  shade tree.'
 The policeman said, 'No! You  don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
 'No way,' said the Newfie. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry cause I fed her this mornin'.'
 The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'
 (You gotta love this)

 The Newfie looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

A good looking blonde got a job as a physical education teacher of 13 year-olds. One day while supervising the children she notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on this boy and decides to speak to him.

'Are you okay?' she asks.

'Yes,' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know,' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he replies.

'Why's that sweetie?' says the blonde.

The boy looks at her incredulously and says, "Because I'm the Goalie!"

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar. The Texan asks the Newfie where he's from and the Newfie says, "You know where New York is?” The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where New York is.” The Newfie says, "Well bye, you just drive north of dere about 6 hours, turn right for 3 hours and catcha 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland.” The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!”
The Newfie thinks about this and then says, "Lard tunderin’ Jaysus bye”, I tink you might be right.......

I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day! 
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the Weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.
On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty,
You should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area"
The king was polite and considerate, he replied:
"I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.
He is an extensively educated and experienced professional.
And besides, I pay him very high wages.
He gave me a very different forecast.
I trust him and I will
 continue on my way."
So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. 
The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.        
I obtain my information from my donkey.
If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring Jackasses to work in the government
And occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this day..

An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again. "What would you like, sir?"

Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

 A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig 

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.  
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.  "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man...and then my dog bit me."   

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop the cyanide capsule in and sit here
 watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! 

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"


Five Horses Is Her Name
This is mythical and deep.
Truly beautiful...

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean.............


The Woman Marine Pilot 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:   Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.   She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 enemy 
troops.  She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
And then she killed the last with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
 "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, 

"You need more ammo."


It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
We have enough "youth".
How about a fountain of "smart"?
A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
When blondes have more fundo they know it?
Money isn't everything,
But it sure keeps the kids in touch.
If at first you don't succeed,
Skydiving is not for you
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you 
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers
Give the rest a bad name.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge
To produce reproductive organs.
The latest survey shows that
Three out of four people make
Up 75% of the population
"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could Identify their corporate sponsors."
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would
 to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Their three kids,all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honour.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son No. 1.'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift.""Not to worry,"said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived."You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing,"said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said:"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . .."

A Newfie, Stanley, died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.      

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad.
You better roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, Nope, ain't Stanley.

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over. The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, Nope, it ain't Stanley.       
The mortician asked, how can you tell? Gomer said, well, Stanley had two assholes.

What! He had two assholes? asked the mortician. Yup, we never seen'em, but everybody used to say, "There's Stanley with them two assholes.      

Cooter and Gomer are both now employed in the Federal Government..........       One is in Ottawa as a Senator, and the other works for Revenue Canada.


























Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the Irish accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment …………………..
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,' tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."


A biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. 
Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.  A reporter had watched the entire event. 
The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' 
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.' 
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?' 
The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.'  The journalist leaves. 
The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:    CANADIAN SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.


 A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

 "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.

 "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"

 Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good  thing.  You know, ..  a little peace and quiet?

 "Yeah, but today is the last day!”

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $20 for 24 cans" he replies.
"Put them back, we can't afford them" demands the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $40 jar of face
cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."

That's him, there in Aisle 5.
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth."

"Well Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favourite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place
 they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually.

Then, when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get sex, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me self personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived 60 miles apart, so they decided to drive 30 miles each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon , (which was the only vehicle he had) and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning, they're pregnant. If they're lying in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were worn out.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon. And one of them is honking the horn.”

'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
Your sweetie says 
'Let's go upstairs and make love' 
And you answer: 
'Pick one, I can't do both!'
 'OLD' IS WHEN... 
Your friends compliment you 
On your new alligator shoes 
And you're barefoot!

A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy .... 
And your pacemaker opens the garage door!

 'OLD' IS WHEN.... 
You don't care where your spouse goes 
.. Just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down 
By the doctor instead of by the police
 'OLD' IS WHEN... 
'Getting lucky' means you find your car 
.. In the parking lot.
An 'all nighter' means not getting up 
To use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN..... 
You are not sure these are jokes! 

This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said:  "Up until last week, I still had it all!!! I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed & pressed, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, school if I wanted ..."
I asked him, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce???"

"Oh no, nothing like that" he said.  "No, no ... I got out of prison."

Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood. 

Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male..... Playing football without a cup. 
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. 
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book. 

Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer. 
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by
-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. 
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. 

Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes. 

He said....
 I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you? 

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? 
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said..... Why are married women heavier than singlewomen? 

She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's
 in bed and go to the fridge.


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed "Dad."
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Queenie. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her biker outfits, and our huge age difference.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Queenie said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Queenie has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Queenie can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Your son, Joshua.
P.S.: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"

 A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.

The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven.
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him. St. Peter said, I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes, he informed the couple, You can get married in Heaven.
Great! said the couple. But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
Whats wrong? asked the frightened couple.
OH COME ON! St. Peter shouted. it took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?
I bet you didn't see that one coming.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the Hardware Store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way, he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.
How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy Smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

A couple who work at the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

The couple produces photos of their 50 foot motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.

"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."

Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.

"Our nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."

The social workers are finally satisfied.

They ask, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as he fits in the cannon."


Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
A therapist has a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members raise their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. “Once a month?” A few hands tepidly go up. Then he asks, “OK, how about once a year?”
One man in the back jumps up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. The therapist is shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asks, “why are you so happy?”
The man yells, “Today’s the day!”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.
A guy walks into a bar and finds a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?”

The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'nothing'.

The reason I said 'nothing' instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'about what?'
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions………….

Finally I pondered an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know", here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

So, one day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen and the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large pole and started pushing. Finally, after much effort, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.

The boy knew that meant a spanking, so he asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.  It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth..."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father probably wasn't in the cherry tree."

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.
The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.
"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven, said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it in Costco either!"

 Newfie woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him a 'Newfie Viagra'...

'What is Newfie Viagra?', she asked.

It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It was a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Freakin' jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton's again


This is Poppy, I bought her as a present for my wife as a birthday surprise last week. 
Sadly it turns out that she has an allergy to dogs.
So it’s sad to say she has to go and hopefully someone out there may be able
to give her a new home ....
Her name is Eileen, she’s in her 60's, good personality and not a bad cook.

Just  because someone doesn't love you the way you  want them to,  doesn't  mean they don't love you with all they have.  

Ralph and  Edna  were both patients in a mental hospital.   One day while they  were  walking past the hospital swimming  poolRalph  suddenly  jumped  into the deep end. 
He  sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed  there.  Edna  promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam  to the bottom  and  pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse  Director became aware
  of  Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to  be discharged  from  the hospital, as she now considered her to be  mentally stable. 
When  she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,  I have good  news  and bad news.  The good news is you're  being discharged,  since  you were able to rationally respond to a crisis  by jumping  in  and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded  that  your act displays sound mindedness. 
The  bad news is, Ralph hanged himself in the bathroom with his  bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so  sorry, but he's dead.' 
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry... 
How soon can I go home?'  
Some old cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome prairie, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado, rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...

Frank, the hand from Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest, meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."

Snake River Ben, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."

Old Red River Tom, the cowboy from Saskatchewan, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...


A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,
'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,
'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?

'Because you got an F in sex.'


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular 

reason why she should go to Heaven ...

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're 
the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see 
them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she 

gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.


What is Celibacy?
 Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
 While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
 He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently, and whispered,
 'Robin Hood -All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy.........
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar.

After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .'

The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I!  And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?'

The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first one responds, 'So, am I!!  And what street did you live on in Dublin ?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area.  It was in the west end.  I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.'

The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world.  So did I!  So did I! And what school did ya go to?'

The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..'

The first one gets  really excited and says, 'And so did I!  Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see.  I graduated in 1964.'

The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight!  Can you believe it?  I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!'

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters,
'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
Because of his stupidity and clumsiness, his teacher, was always yelling at him, "You're driving me crazy, Wayne!" 

One day, Wayne’s mother came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and that she had never seen such a stupid boy in her entire teaching career. The mother was so shocked at the feedback that she withdrew her son from school and moved out of Regina, and relocated to Vancouver Island.

Thirty-five years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an almost incurable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have open heart surgery, but there was only one surgeon in B.C. who could perform the operation and he was located at VGH in Victoria.  Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she came round after surgery she saw a handsome young doctor smiling down at her.  She wanted to thank him, but could not  talk.  Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but quickly died.

The doctor was shocked, wondering what could possibly have gone wrong so suddenly. Then he turned around and saw Wayne, a janitor in the Clinic, who had unplugged the life-support equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner.

If you thought for one moment that Wayne had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high likelihood that you believe in fairies.


Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store in Ladysmith. 
I placed them on the front seat of the HHR and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" 
I thought about it for a second and said
"What kinda beer you got"
An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.  I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.  Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?  Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet. 

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.  Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.  I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.  I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

An Australian, an Irishman and a Newfie are in a bar.  They're staring at another man. Suddenly the Irishman says, "It's Jesus!"  Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Molson Canadian.   Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles at the three men and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

When he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of a amazement,  "My God!  The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone.  It's a miracle."

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go the man's eyes widen with shock.  "Strewth, mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone.  It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Newfie who knocks over a chair and a table trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong, my son?"  says Jesus.

The Newfie shouts,  "Don't touch me.  I'm on Workers Compensation!"

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. 
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house..
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' 
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters  
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
 Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay..'
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Number: 10
Golfer:  "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy:  "Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Number: 9
Golfer:    "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy:    "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer:    "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy:    "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number: 7
Golfer:    "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy:    "Eventually."

Number: 6
Golfer:    "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy:    "I don't think so . . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number: 5
Golfer:    "Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy:    "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

Number: 4
Golfer:    "How do you like my game?"
Caddy:    "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number: 3
Golfer:    "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy:    "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."

Number: 2
Golfer:    "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy:    "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."

And the Number: 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
 Golfer:    "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy:    "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . . . .
An old favourite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . ... .
Golfer:    "Can you see any obvious problems .. . . .??"
Caddy:    "There's a piece of s**t on the end of your club."
Golfer:    He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . .
Caddy:    "No sir, it's at the other end"

You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors. A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled to see an intruder there. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an Axe and Two 38s!”

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine  restaurant. 
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead. 
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared  straight ahead. 
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." 
The man calmly looked up at her and said:  "No, she didn't  ..........  she just walked in."

A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of 
his friends for fishing.
We'll be gone for a long weekend.
This is a good opportunity for me to 
get that promotion I've been wanting 
so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend".....
and also would you get out my rod 
and  tackle box from the attic ?
We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..'Oh! And please 
pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'
The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd,
but, being the good wife,
She does exactly what her husband asked.
Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks
if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike. He continued, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?      

You'll love the answer.

 The wife replies, "I did, they're in your tackle box".
Never, never, never
try to outsmart a woman!!!

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..
So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
 She will praise you!
 She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
 'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib 

Of course the rest is history..... ........!! _____________________

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who will make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time.

No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a cold beer.’

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a
female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair
smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can't stand it

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human
Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment
grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Bob, the midget."!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work
cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...

on one condition..."
Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly
and meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

Time is like a river. You  cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed  will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a  bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral  director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He  had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's  cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not  familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical  man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an  hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the  hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and  crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and  apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side  of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in  place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to  play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to  gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with  no family and friends. I played like I've never played before  for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace",  the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept  together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started  for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was  full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the  workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've  been putting in septic tanks for twenty  years."

Apparently, I'm still's a man  thing.

Young King Arthur was ambushed  and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring  kingdom.  The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and  ideals.  So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could  answer a very difficult question.  Arthur would have a year to figure  out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be  put to death.

The  question?...What do women really want?  Such a question would perplex  even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an  impossible query.  But, since it was better than death, he accepted the  monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his  kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men  and even the court jester.  He spoke with everyone, but no one could  give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people  advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the  answer.

But the price  would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the  exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of  the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old  woman.  She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree  to her price first.

The old ugly woman  wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round  Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was  horrified.  She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth,  smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.  He had never  encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to  force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but  Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing  was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of  the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding  was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman  really wants, she to be in charge of her own  life.

Everyone in the  kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that  Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly  woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour  approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered  the bedroom.  But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman  he had ever seen lay before him on the bed.  The astounded Lancelot  asked what had happened.

The young beauty  replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she  would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the  beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he  prefer?  Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered  the predicament.  During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his  friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly  woman?  Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but  by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate  moments?

What would YOU  do?

What Lancelot  chose is below.

BUT -- make YOUR  choice before you scroll down below.


Noble Lancelot  said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this,  she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had  respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the  moral to this story?

The moral is  --

If you don't let a  woman have her own way...
Things are going to get  ugly..


You're An EXTREME Redneck When...
1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
 5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
 6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
 7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
 8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
 9 Your junior prom offered day care.
 10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'
 11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
 12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
 13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
 14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
 15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
 16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
 17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing....
Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking and looking and lookiiiiiing, and I am thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"

A  little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his  mother asks if he had done his chores.

" Not yet, " said the little boy. His mother tells him no  breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the  chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes 
to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes 
back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry  cereal.

" How come I don't get  any eggs and bacon ? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal ? " he  asks.

" Well, " his mother says,  " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.
I  saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow
so for a week you aren't getting any milk.  "

Just then, his father comes  down for breakfast and kicks the pussy cat halfway
across the  kitchen.

The little boy looks up  at his mother with a smile, and says,

"You gonna’ tell him or should I?"

Some fellas from Medicine Hat were all at a hunting camp for a week. 
No one wanted to room with Brad, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. 

Wayne drew the short straw and had to sleep with Brad, and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
Wayne  said, "Brad snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was Ray's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
Ray said, 'Man, that Brad shakes the roof with his snoring.
I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Wylie's turn. Now Wylie was a tanned, older biker, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning boys!" he said.... They couldn't believe it.

They said, "Man, what the hell?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Brad into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. 

Brad  sat up and watched me all night!'

With age comes wisdom. 

  Paraprosdokians(Winston  Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter  part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected;  frequently humorous.
1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 
2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my  list.
3.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright  until you hear them speak.
4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 
5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in  public.
6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is  left.
7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit . . . Wisdom is not  putting it in a fruit salad.
8.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from  many is research.
9.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming  you.
10.  In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of  emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.
      11.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the  street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are  sexy .
12.  You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a  parachute to skydive twice.
13.  I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 
14.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever  you hit the target.
15.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than  standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.      16.  You're never too old to learn something stupid. 
17.  I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and  harder for me to find one now.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient. 
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's coming.
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the System, getting something for nothing."The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes.""Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shitting me???"The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . you started it."____________________

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.   

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?  Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.

And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.      

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James
Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.      

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.      

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.    

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.      

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'    

(Here's something to think about.) 
 I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy). 
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' 
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?' 
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' 
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' 
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 
'No, I don't,' I said. 
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 
'No,' I said... 

She looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?'

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from

 getting pregnant----- but ------

apparently it just changes the color of the baby."


Once upon a time, a pilot asked a beautiful princess: "Will you marry me?  "The princess said, "No!!!” And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny long-legged big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. 

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, and he finds that the baby
has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room  and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,   
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all  about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'


I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me.

My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a loving smile and said, "Get that trolley over here, Love. They're doing 3 cartons of beer for the price of 2".!!!

The people at Starbucks managed to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

       After receiving the papal blessing, the Starbucks official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Starbucks is prepared to donate $100 million a year to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"

       The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord.  It must not be changed."

       "Well," says the Starbucks man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million."

       "My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed."       The Starbucks guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Starbucks respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...We will donate $500 million a year - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." And he leaves.        The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.

       "And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

       "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."

Michigan State Police announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles, 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, two tons of heroin, $12 million in cash, and a ring of 14 prostitutes, all of which were located in a housing project directly behind the Detroit Public Library.

Detroit residents were absolutely stunned.  A community organizer said, "We is totally shocked!  We never knew we had a library …"


A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Winnipeg, Manitoba when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back letting go of the girl; and, the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly.  A reporter had watched the entire event.

The reporter said to the Harley rider, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, tell me, what do you do for a living and what political affiliations do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a Canadian Soldier and a Conservative.' The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper out of curiosity to see if it, indeed, brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


And that pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days.

G'Day Mate - Wheelie Bins
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins."
A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying
them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out.
In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes
to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realizing the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?"
"I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I
wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

  Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.


For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws.
They legalized gay marriage and Legalized marijuana.    The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says:         "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.
Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before.

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" 
"Why, yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. 
On Tuesday, he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina . When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested: "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" 
"Oh, no," said the fine example of southern womanhood. "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" 
Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked: "Would you like a smoke?" 
"Oh my goodness, no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did!" 
Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with: "Ah, how would you like to stop at this motel?" 
"Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast U-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!
The next Morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin' lying there in the bed and with remorse thought: "What the hell have I done?" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" 

The lady said: "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time”.


          10 pills you need to take.

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came  flooding back to  the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub - only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.
He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast,  Ireland's finest. 
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so  shit-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up  and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him  'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one!
Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'
When I asked him why, he said,
'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said 'Let's have da fingers and  I'll see what I can do.'

Johnny said, 'I haven't got da fingers.' 'What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?' shrieked the doctor.  'Lord t'undrin Jesus it's 2015! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring da fingers?'

(Are you ready for this?????  

 Johnny says... 'How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.

Electile Dysfunction : The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for PRIME MINISTER put forth by any party in the 2015 election year.


On a train from London to Manchester
to watch the cricket, an Australian was
berating the Englishman sitting across
from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set
yourselves apart too much. You think
your stiff upper lip makes you above
the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME!
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little
Irish blood, and some Aboriginal blood...
What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied,
"Awfully sporting of your mother,
old chap!"

Ed walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. 
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price --
the  more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, Ed opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
Ed presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.      

Upstairs, LouAnne figures out a plan (she's no dummy, even though she’s blonde). 
"I  have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on,
but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."   
Ed will NEVER know the difference.    
LouAnne appears naked on their balcony in 6" heels and strikes a pose.
Ed says, "Good God Almighty! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it".
He never heard the shot. 
Funeral on Friday at Noon.  Closed coffin!!

Jerry King
                  Cartoonist's photo.
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf
shoes like Freddie Couples wears, so, seeing some on sale after his golf round,
he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase decided to
wear them home to show the Mrs.
Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and
said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
 Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."
 Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except
for the new golf shoes. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW???"
 Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
"Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
 "Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a new golf hat, Bert."

 My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

 I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We always look for cars with Harper stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!


Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" “For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.
"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME  YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply:    "I wasn't.........."

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

  'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

  'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

  'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh'

  'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

  Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

  'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

  The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

  'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

  'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

  Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

  The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'

  'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

  The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

  'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

  'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
   Because you got an F in sex.'

There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to UVIC until early Monday morning.
 Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it.  They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.  The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.  The guys were excited and relieved.  They studied that night for the exam.

  The next day the Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points.  Cool, they thought!  Each one, in a separate room, thought this was going to be easy ... then they turned the page.     On the second page was written...
 For 95 points:  Which tire? _________


A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

 The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

 He slams the door and returns to bed

  "Who was that?" asked his wife.

 "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

  "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

 I think you should help him, and you  should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

 The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.  He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

  "Yes," comes back the answer.

  "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "

Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

  "Where are you?" asks the husband.

  "Over here on the swing ," replied the drunk.​

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind.
Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural northern Minnesota. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to claim his bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New England and, if you don't let me retrieve that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes here in northern Minnesota.  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and, being the person he was, decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

(I love this part)

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."


The other day I went over to a nearby Shoppers Drug Mart. When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists Counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.

The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.

I said, "Yes!  Could you please taste this for me?"

Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.  Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.

When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, now, does that taste sweet to you?"

The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled,? HELL NO!!!"

So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief!  My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"

Well, I can never go back to that Shoppers, but I really don't care though, because; they aren't very friendly there anyway


A man has a car accident and is taken to hospital.
Just before he was put under anesthetic, the surgeon dropped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?

"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?  asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colours."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem" said the golfer.
"Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache ."

 Jack goes to his friend Mike and  says, "I'm sleeping with the  pastor's wife. Can you hold him  in church for an hour after the  service for me?" 
 The friend doesn't like it but  being a friend, he agrees. 
 After the service, he starts  talking to the pastor, asking him  all sorts of stupid questions, just  t
o keep him occupied. 
 Finally the pastor gets annoyed  and asks Mike what he's really  up to. 
 Mike, feeling guilty, finally  confesses to the pastor, "My  friend is sleeping with your wife  right now, so he asked me to  keep you occupied." 
 The pastor  smiles, puts a  brotherly hand on Mike's  shoulder and says, "You'd better  hurry home now. My wife died a  year  ago."


A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my  wife." A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo."


A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

"Oh, he still is," remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife."  

Two police officers responding to a domestic disturbance with shots fired arrive on scene. After discovering the wife had shot her husband for walking across her freshly mopped floor, they called their sergeant on his cell phone. "Hello Sarge."


"It looks like we have a homicide here,” he reported.

"What happened?" asked the Sergeant.

“A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

The Sergeant asked, "Have you placed her under arrest?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."


A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. “Hello”, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.” "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
 Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish." Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you; I don't even know your name!" "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."


Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David. Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David. He feels sorry for him.

 Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!"

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"

For those of the older generation (like me) who do not really comprehend the need for Facebook:

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.

Then, I give them pictures of my family, my dog, me gardening, and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations, and I tell them I love them, and want to be their friend.

And, it works……

I already have three persons following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist ! !


When you are over sixty . . . Who gives   a        ****
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over sixty, who gives a
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
    When you are over sixty, who gives a
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said,  "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty, who gives a
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty, who gives a
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I
said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
When you are over sixty, who gives a

Canadian men between 50 and 75 years of age will, on average,

have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends,

as they had no idea they were Japanese.


Golfing Buddies - Off to lunch...

A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet For lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the course, the waitresses were  young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts. 

Te​n years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service were good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet

for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch.

Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled. 

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should  meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.



My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after
reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact
that I will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with
Chantelle, my 18 year old secretary.
Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old.. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a mathematics teacher. I would
like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta
with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant Rugby coach. He is
young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old.
As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference:

18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18 or 54.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.


Something to think about:
The  math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as  follows:
After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49  million. 

Assuming  he had sex every night during their 5 year  relationship
it  ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is  Heather.

On  the other hand, New York Governor Elliot  Spitzer's
 hooker,   Kristen,  an absolute stunner,  charges $4,000 per night. 
This  is Kristen .


Had  Paul  McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years,
he  would have
  paid $7.3 million in total, for sex every  night  for 5 years
:(a  $41.7 million savings).

Value-added  benefits would have been:
*    a  22 year old  
no  coaxing 
never  a headache 
happily  agrees to all requests 
no complaining 
no  honey-do lists 
*   has two legs

Best  of all, she leaves and comes back when asked.   

All  at 1/7th the cost
  and  no legal fees.
Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.     


Husband's Text Message to wife:


Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.

Paula brought me to the Hospital.

Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.

Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects.

Wound required 19 stitches.

I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg.  Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.

Love you.


Wife's Response: Who's Paula?
An old British Gentleman awoke one morning accompanied by a magnificent erection.
As he sat at the edge of the bed admiring it, his manservant commented,
"That sir, is a beauty! Shall I fetch the Good Lady?"

After a few moments the old guy says,
"No, fetch my baggy trousers, I'm smuggling this one into the village."


Marriage (Part I)
Macho man married a good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down
the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'



Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'


Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'


A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.




Pretend you are a BOSTONIAN when reading this.


The interesting thing is that the cash economy in places like Greece, Spain etc. does work something like this; meanwhile no-one pays tax, yet everyone wants to retire on a "fat gov't pension". Pretty much sums up the bailout :-                                         It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted  Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.                     On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.                     The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.                     The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.                     The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.                     The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.                     The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.                     The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.                     The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.                     At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory,   pockets the money, and leaves town                     No one produced anything.                     No one earned anything.                   However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.                     And that is how the bailout package works!


After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. 

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts...

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler".

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my pantyhose off".

Distracted Driving Incident 
Everyone reading this will enjoy it -
No matter which gender you are
This morning on the Interstate, I looked
Over to my left and there was
In a brand new Cadillac  doing 65 mph
With her face up next to her rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away  For a couple seconds...
To continue shaving.
And when I looked back, she was
Halfway over in my lane,
Still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much;
I had to put on my seat belt.
And I dropped  My electric shaver,
Which knocked The donut 
Out of my other hand.
In all   The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car

Using my knees against 
The steering wheel,
It knocked
My Cell P hone
Away from my ear
Which fell
Into my coffee which was
Between my legs,
And burned
Big Jim and the Twins.
Ruined the phone,
Soaked my trousers,
And disconnected an
Important call.
Damn women drivers!

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC   A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.   When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.   When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%! Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"   The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."


This post is not approved.

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion,

I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Suzie.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile"

and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23 and I'm 50.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said, "Son,

that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in America ?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said, " I not understanding question please."


The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?"

He says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

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